Ok now that I have your attention with that ridiculous title let me jump right into this. That is NOT how it works at all. I am going to give you all a scripture and then go right into my LONG celibacy journey….(it’s been a long one y’all)
Hebrews 13:4 “Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge”.
Let me start off by saying living with your mate and practicing celibacy is the hardest thing EVER. I am about to be very transparent with y’all. Before we decided to be celibate we were already having sex. So then why stop since you already doing it? CONVICTION! One day my fiancé came to me and said I need more sex from you. I need you to give it to me more often and I quickly answered with an ok sure. Thats my man and he has needs and if he wants more sex then thats what he will get, right? God had been tugging at me for a few weeks. I wasn’t reading my bible as much as I usually did AND we had moved in together. This is where my conviction hit me like a ton of bricks(my parents always told me that if you lose your conviction you need to worry). God was tugging at me to get a “yes” and I was dragging my feet, but my fiancé got a quick definite yes? I had to check myself real quick. I didn’t say anything to him right away because I knew this was going to be a tough pill to swallow. I went to Wednesday night bible study and when I tell y’all he was talking directly to me! I was blown away. I had to go home and tell this man that I wanted to take away sex until we are married. I went about it the WRONG way tho. What should’ve taken place was an open discussion, but I kind of just put it out there like take it or leave it. I only did it this way because in my mind I would rather argue with him everyday than to have to continue to disappoint God and feel horrible every time we have sex.
Bible study is over and I head home. He’s sitting on the couch and I sit down next to him and say “I want to be celibate”. He paused for a beat and his response was “are you asking me or you telling me”? This is when the “I’m an independent woman and I don’t have to ask your permission for anything came out of me”…I said I’m telling you. This is something that I have to do I have been feeling convicted and I’m tired of letting God down. TOTAL SILENCE… Going into this I had prepared myself for him to leave or cheat. That night he slept on the couch and didn’t say a word to me. My mind was all over the place. The vibe was off for next couple of days, I mean we were cordial in front of the kids but other than that we didn’t have much to say to one another. He finally broke the ice and expressed to me that he felt as if he didn’t have a say in this whole thing. His exact words were “you made an US decision by yourself”. Side bar: My decision to go without sex was months before the proposal, so when the proposal happened he made sure to tell me that he had purchased the ring months back and that my dad had kept the ring in his sock drawer. That’s when I knew.. I wasn’t trying to make a decision like that alone, BUT I felt like nothing trumps GOD. Nothing and no one. I will admit that I could have approached the conversation better but I don’t regret my decision at all. Although he hated the idea(still does) he tried to understand and reassured me that this was a journey I wouldn’t have to take alone.
Now, I don’t mind asking questions in my relationship. If something feels off I’m not the type to just sit back and wait until its revealed. I like to know! He didn’t instantly agree to being celibate, but he let me know that he’s here with me. I asked him to let me know if he feels like he is going to cheat and to let me know when he has rough days so I will know what I’m up against. He told me that some days he will have to sleep on the couch and that his attitude will be real bad. Sexual frustration is real. What put my mind at ease was when he told me that he would never jeopardize what we have just to temporarily feel good. We have such a beautiful and transparent relationship. Don’t get it twisted tho, we will argue each other DOWN!! Lol… I am super stubborn and I am still learning how to pick my battles and he will shut all the way down if he is approached the wrong way. Our communication is what is keeping us above water, if that dies down then we gotta pray real hard….He said I mean I hate this a whole lot but cheating is something you won’t have to worry about. He started talking to a few people and reading up on celibacy, then he came to me with videos and everything. I was like ok God. Ace wanted to know what was the procedure when you are just too horny? That is a valid question. What do you do?
I chose to be celibate because I wanted to grow closer to God. I’ve done relationships MY way for so long and they have ended up at dead ends. I have a beautiful relationship with an awesome man and the main thing I’m striving for (other than a godly relationship) is longevity… This is the man I want to grow old with. Below are a few of my journal entries(yes I write everything down)
I have only been journaling on the difficult days……The days where we both look at each other with so much passion and want to disappear in our own fantasies and make love….The days where he is mad and has to sleep on the couch….These are the beginning stages….
“This is going to be a tedious journey but the result of this will be beautiful. You will fall but get back up”.
” You can still be affectionate with boundaries. If you know you have no self control then don’t put yourself in situations where you could fall”
“It breaks my heart when he’s not in bed with me. The empty feeling I used to feel when someone didn’t come when they said they were coming and they ended up having a long night of cheating…Only a woman who has been in that position can understand where I’m coming from. Reminds me of when my daughters fathers phone would go to voicemail after midnight and I’d wake up with a hole in my stomach…Not sure the reason he decided to sleep on the couch tonight but the separation makes me wake up with anxiety and it’s now 5:07am and I can’t go back to sleep”.
Let me say this real loud and clear for those of you who are thinking about being celibate. IT IS WORK and YOU WILL SLIP UP. (we have). That is why self control is important, but when you do happen to fall, because you will, you just have to get right back up and remember why you are doing this. Ace says it’s just a woman thing(most guys do) but I truly believe that by doing things the right way will make our wedding night and love making in the future SO BOMB and passionate. We don’t have it all figured out and it has been a long journey but I believe in the end it will be worth it. Our wedding is less than 3 months away(big smile) and we will look back at this and be happy we chose to do things the right way. Well, at least I will! He hates it so much but he’s such a trooper…
So celibacy is NOT old fashioned…..In less than 3 months I will be able to make love to my husband and not have to feel bad about it.